{why I didn't go on my mission}

For those of you who know me well, you'll know that at one point last year I had a mission call to Columbus, Ohio! As you can see I'm currently not in Columbus, Ohio so I figured I might as well address the subject head on and explain to the people who still think I'm waiting to go to the MTC (yes I still get asked when I'm leaving- I respond last November) the reasons I decided to not serve my mission.
I believe WHOLE HEARTEDLY that missions are an extremely wonderful excerpt from the everyday life, that give individuals 2 years to mature, endure hardships, and come closer to the lord in a way that is hard to understand until you've experienced it. I admire anyone and everyone who goes because no matter what they say to comfort you, missions are hard. There is a reason missionaries return home and experience a culture shock back into reality; they are quite literally the lords hands in action, doing the amazing work of the true gospel.
Now to the part where I tell you what happened with me. I received my call in September and started preparing to go through the temple and leave for the MTC.  I went through the process of studying the scriptures, praying, meeting with my bishop, and really trying to better myself  and feel prepared to make sacred covenants with our heavenly father. As the time came closer and closer people would ask when I was going to go through and every single time I would get the same sick feeling in my gut. I talked to my parents, my bishop, my friends, even concerned friends of parents, and most of all to god in prayer to try and get that reassurance that I was doing the right thing by going. That feeling of 'yes you are suppose to serve a mission' never came back and I knew in my heart that I wasn't suppose to go. People every single day would tell me that its just nerves and that as soon as I go through the temple and spend time out in the mission it would go away and that it was wrong of me to not go. I myself am a people pleaser, so I became very self conscience for awhile, thinking that if I didn't go people would look at me differently and think that I'm not a worthy person anymore. I didn't want family and friends to think any less of me, especially the people closest to me. I didn't want to upset anyone, but I knew that if I went I would upset myself. I had a choice to make- go and please everyone else and most likely end up coming home, or stay and ease my heart sick feeling and hope that everyone would understand. I chose the later and braced myself for a world of disappointment and heart ache, but was surprised when I was greeted with understanding and peoples ability to see the maturity in my choice and my ability to follow what the spirit was telling me.
Through the whole process I learned so much about the gospel, about myself, and about listening to the promptings you are given even when people disagree with them. I believe with every bone in my body that I made the right choice FOR ME and I've been reassured constantly by heavenly father. I KNOW this church is true, and I know that god has a divine, unique plan for each individual. Someday I'll go through the temple, not to please others, not for a mission, but with a boy who holds the priesthood, who loves me, and is worthy to take me there. And I can't wait.